Those closest to me would say I’m a twat. Dig a bit deeper and they may say that I’m an alright kind of bloke. Really delve and they may reveal that I’m a very deep, sensitive, spiritual person. That’s one side of me. There’s another side that’s shallow, superficial and a complete fantasist. Let’s explore this side.

A big part of the side that indulges in fantasy and revels in the detachment from reality, is my relentless ‘celebrity crush.’ This is a mild obsession with someone in the spotlight, which can differ from extremes of a respectful admiration to full-on stalking. Don’t do the stalking thing. Not healthy. Go see a therapist. They’ll be a perfectly acceptable explanation; something to do with your childhood. It always is.

I’ve indulged in the ‘celebrity crush’ all my life and I highly recommend it. I’ve even convinced myself it might happen on a couple of occasions, especially as I’ve been lucky enough to meet some of these fantasy women. Yes, I’m sure the wife would be upset if I told her I’d cheated on her but if I told her that I’d got off with Frankie from The Saturdays, she’s got to be impressed with that surely?

Things have been made easier over the years with the celebrity crush. What with facebook, twitter and the intimacy of the internet, you can actually contact your crush and correspond if you’re not too weird. My main reason for joining twitter was to eventually hook up with Lily Allen.  I fell hard for Lily when she returned to the spotlight with her second album and after meeting her at Glastonbury, my love for her was sealed. However, she has since got married, is pregnant and doesn’t return my tweets. It’s over Lily, if you’re reading this. I never want to see you again.

'Come and get me Guy!'

So who is my current celebrity crush? I would say it’s probably Amelle from the Sugababes. I’ve met her a few times and she’s stunningly drop-dead gorgeous. Lovely personality and yes, lets be shallow about this, a great bum. Amelle is closely followed by the ginger bird from Dr.Who and I’ll always have a place in my heart for Scarlett Johansson, especially after seeing the beautiful ‘Lost in Translation.’ (‘Snog her Bill! For god’s sake snog her!!’).

I can remember my first ever celebrity crush. I was watching Top of the Pops back in 1983 and the most amazing girl performed, with the most amazing voice. I was gone; totally mesmerised. She had me, hook, line and sinker. So who was it?

It was Boy George.

Confusing times.