Me: I might be doing some telly next year.

Wife: What are you going to do about your face and your teeth?

Me: Erm…….

This was an actual conversation, word for word; I had with my wife, approximately one year ago. I’d love to fluff it up a bit, make it appear a little softer, a little less harsh but my wife’s from the North and doesn’t do ‘fluff.’

After the initial excitement of moving in to TV, my wife had brought me back down to earth, not so much with a bump but a couple of fractured ribs. What it also brought in to the spotlight, was my own vanity. My colleagues at the radio station will tell you, that I spend more time on my hair and shopping at Fred Perry, than I do on preparation for the show. But I can still have those ‘dress down’ days, where the shirt may be hanging out, my stubble is pushing to be recognised as a beard and my hair lost in a fight to Brighton seafront. But it’s OK. I’m on the radio. You wouldn’t believe what you can get away with, when people can’t see you.

Anyway, after my wife’s encouraging pep talk on my future career, I decided I would have to live with the face but I could do something about my teeth. The ‘teeth comment’, my wife so delicately pointed out, was a single bottom tooth, that was a little on the shy side and preferred the other teeth to take the limelight, as it sat in the background, contemplating what could have been. In short, I needed my teeth straightening.

These are not my teeth. I found them on the internet.

I discussed the issue with my dentist. After much thought, I decided that I couldn’t really commit to a brace for three to six months and not being able to eat nuts and apples for that duration. (I’m a veggie, what else was I going to eat?). It also seemed like a lot of pain and hassle, for a bit of TV vanity. I went back to talk about it with my agent (wife) and she persuaded me to go ahead with the work, as it was free and she wanted her husband to look more David Beckham, less Shane McGowen.

And so I went back. I committed. I wore a brace for three months (broken several times, as I continued with my chronic nut habit) and I now have straightened made-for-TV-teeth. But that’s not it. You have to have a ‘retainer’ in the back of your teeth, to keep the little blighters in line, for the rest of your life, way beyond any prospective TV career, unless you’re Bruce Forsyth, in which case, I’ve made a good investment. The treatment was also free, on the understanding I go on to be a massive TV star who smiles a great deal, a lot like Dale Winton but a massive TV star.

Now I’m not one of these people that endorse things to get them for free but thanks to Dental Health Spa, 14-15 Queens Road, Brighton, for teeth that say, ‘I’m ready for the telly.’

Anyone out there do Botox?