I’m counting down the days to Glastonbury but in my line of work, this doesn’t mean sitting around humming Coldplay songs and cleaning my wellies in preparation for the biggest music festival on earth. My work starts way before the festival. That’s because I am Worthy FM’s official celebrity stalker. That’s right; I stalk celebrities, bands and Andrew Marr for a week. It’s not a job title that would hold up in court, granted but ‘backstage interviewer’ would be doing my role a disservice.
You see, I stake out celebrities long before they rock up to Worthy Farm. I have dossiers on their lifestyles, eating habits and nocturnal movements, just so I know what to expect when they come to Glastonbury. Then I can seek them out, charm them and bag the interview for the radio station.
Ask previous victims and they will all say the same thing; ‘I couldn’t say no.’ Lily Allen in a blonde wig, slipped through the world’s media a couple of years ago, unnoticed. Not by me though. I was on to her like a flash. Why? I recognised her bottom from Heat magazine (it’s pert like a peach) and ‘my sources’ informed me about the wig.
Damon Albarn was another one that proved to be quite slippery. He was backstage at the Pyramid last year, preparing for his second headlining slot in a year with Gorillaz and they were all there; De La Soul, Mark E. Smith, Shaun Ryder, even his band mate JamieHewlett were all willing to talk to me but Albarn was elusive. His publicist even went as far to tell me to leave as ‘he wasn’t doing anymore interviews ‘but I stayed and I got him, in the classic ‘toilet swoop’ manoeuvre. If you’re not aware of this, it’s something I learnt way back in the S.A.S. He goes to the toilet, I swoop. I got the interview and yes, Damon washed his hand before I shook it.
'Glastonbury is indoors, right?'
So what of Glastonbury 2011? Well, the number 1 target has to be Beyonce. She’s one of the biggest stars in the world today and she’s going to be knocking around in a farm in Somerset. Sounds easy but it won’t be. She’ll have an entourage, she may even have her husband (he looks hard) but I have information, from ‘my sources’ that the girl will be camping. A simple two man tent, to be shared with Jay-Z, up in the hills somewhere. She’ll be wearing waterproof trousers (Bee hates getting wet), she has a mag-lite torch (meaning she will come out at night and watch Coldplay) and she bought some firelighters (meaning she’ll do an acoustic set by a fire in the Greenfield’s).
How do I know this?
Well, I don’t usually reveal my sources but my mate Dave, has served in her in Millets.
Beyonce; I’m coming to get you.