So with just days to go before the ‘Big One,’ I’m closing in on the ‘Big Bottomed One.’ No, not Gary Barlow, he’s not playing (Come on Michael, you have to book Take That in for 2013) but Sunday night headliner, Beyonce.

She’s the interview I really want to get for Worthy FM. The current odds offered by Ladbrokes for me to bag an interview with Big Bee are 1,000-1. The odds on me marrying her are only 1,500-1, so I have to look at that as good odds. But I know I’ve got my work cut out.

My people have been watching her obviously and we are aware of her movements up to and including the festival. We know she’s camping, because she’s been seen in Millets (see previous blog) and we know that her fella is coming, because they’re staying in a two-man tent.

'Morning Guy...cup of tea?'

We also know that Beyonce refuses to walk long distances and likes amenities near by. By my calculation and having a look at the site map, its likely Mr. and Mrs. Z will camp to the left of the Pyramid stage, alongside the portaloos.

I do know that she will typically visit the toilet twice during the night (don’t ask me how I know this) but after performing, it could be 3 or 4 times during the night, because of the extra water consumed. This will be an ideal time to pounce for an interview and my team will be staking out the portaloos around the clock throughout the festival.

Failing that, I also know that she is partial to coco pops in the morning, so she is highly likely to be making trips up to the farmhouse to purchase freshly squeezed milk of a morning. Worthy FM are situated just down from the farmhouse, so I’m confident, we can get her there, if Plan Portaloo fails.

We do know that Beyonce is notorious for changing plans at the last minute, so we are fully prepared for that eventuality. We have contingency plans in place, should this arise.

For now though, I can confidently say, that Beyonce will not be able to have a No.1 or a No. 2 in peace.

And I don’t mean the charts.