So as we edge towards Glastonbury 2011, the net is closing in on my No.1 interview target, Beyonce. I have lined up several key strategies to snare the big-bottomed one (see previous blogs) but in this game, it’s key to have a back-up plan and a back-up plan, if that back-up plan doesn’t come off and so on and so forth.
So, if I can’t snare her in a portaloo, when she nips out of her tent during the night, if the sing-a-long round a campfire in the greenfields gets rained off, or if the cows run out of milk, when she’s looking for a top up on her cocoa pops, then you have to have another plan. And I have a plan. A very ambitious plan but a plan all the same.
' Shut up, this is my bit.'
Over the last six months, I have been training three times a week, as a dancer; mainly ‘street’ dance, with a classical edge. I’ve lost two stone and my legs look like Madonna’s arms (not necessarily a good thing). Alongside this, I’ve studied all of Beyonce’s videos and live performances, paying particular attention to the backing dancers; in a nutshell, if ‘Single Ladies’ or ‘Crazy in Love’ came on in a nightclub, I would rip it up. I’d be like John Travlota in Saturday Night Fever.
So let’s cut to the chase. If all my previous plans (Plan A, B,C, etc) fail, in securing an interview with Beyonce for WorthyFM, I will simply kidnap one of Beyonce’s backing dancers (in a nice way), minutes before she’s due on stage, dance the night away with ‘B’ and then grab a few words with her afterwards, mic recorder cunningly hidden upon my person, having gained her trust by my stunning dancing performance.
And if that fails, alongside all my previous plans, then I shall hang my head in shame and never work in media again. Assuming, I’m not arrested first.