Ever wondered what it was like being a Rock God? Well, get yourself a cup of tea, make yourself comfortable and read this ‘ere blog.

It’s great basically. You should do it. I did it on Friday at the UK Air Guitar Championships. Doing the radio and telly is great and performing comedy comes close but there’s nothing quite as good as being in a band and having an adoring crowd hanging off your every word. It’s the ultimate natural high. I’ve been in several bands in the nineties and I loved every minute of it. Not so keen on the rehearsing, the moving equipment, the promoting, in fact the music was pretty dire too; but I loved being on stage, I loved the attention and I loved getting the odd girl. Girls love a man on stage and that was my main motivation back in the day.

Twenty years on, I’m a married man and have to say ‘no’ to the endless stream of girls desperate to try my poached eggs in the morning but the dream of being a Rock God lives on. And that’s why I entered the UK Air Guitar Championships; in a cat suit, with a cape on, with more make up than Zsa Zsa Gabor.

It’s something I’ve always wanted to do but never had the opportunity due to other less Rock God commitments. Last Friday, however, was my time and ‘The Love Rod’ (like my stage name?) strode in to Concorde with one thing on my mind; actually two things. I need a beer and I want to leave this venue as UK Air Guitar Champion.

'Who wants to go home with me?'

The first round was fine. You choose a song and you rock out in front of hundreds of people for 90 seconds. I chose T-Rex’s ‘20th Century Boy’ to go with my outfit (I was very Marc Bolan).

The second round was tougher; you’re put in a cage and judged on ‘technical ability.’ No dancing, no gimmicks, just you and your Air Guitar. You can’t choose a song either. You have to get what you’re given and I was given Bon Jovi’s ‘Dead or Alive.’ I closed my eyes and ‘did a Hendrix’ and played the guitar like a man possessed. And I sailed through.

The Audience were the judges (based on noise) and I had them in the palm of my hand. They were loving the Love Rod, I was through to the Semi-Final and I was so close now, I could smell the silverware. And it smelt good.

Next up, was ‘the duet round’ where you go one on one with another semi-finalist and I was up against the reigning Champion and she was good. She was very good. And she was very pretty. The Love Rod was in trouble. The crowd wanted her and despite playing the Air Guitar with my teeth, there was nothing I could do. She was through to the final and I was on my way home (after I’d packed up my air pedal, leads and amplifier).

I won’t bore you with who won; it’s too painful and I’m still hurting. But I’m going to sew my cat suit up (I split in the crotch area), learn a few new tricks and go back next year and win that trophy. Nothing, I say nothing, can stop me.

Right, got to go, I got Air rehearsals tonight.